The Best Laid Plans
by Gary Merchant
Summary: A Commander of the Svankarr Empire arrives on Earth in readiness for conquest. If only he had been better prepared.


THE BEST LAID PLANS…

It was a Saturday, and the building site was clear of workers. Which was just as well, as the site provided suitable cover for the shuttle. It had landed just a few minutes ago, its engines making not a sound. Not that the same could be said for the shuttle's occupants. They stood outside the craft – dressed in their traditional battle armour, the Svankarr were tall and hairy, with not one redeeming feature. "So, this is the planet Earth," muttered Commander Urgh. "I had expected more. If they live in hovels such as this, then they should present no resistance."

His Lieutenant chose not to correct his superior. If he wanted to believe that the building site was representative of Earth dwellings, then it was not his place to say otherwise. Also, the Commander had a tendency to shoot anyone who disagreed with him – an added incentive to stay alive, in the Lieutenant's opinion. "Stay here," Urgh ordered. "I alone shall make contact with these humans. They shall bow down before me before this day is out."

Commander Urgh found the immediate area deserted. "Hah! My reputation precedes me. The humans must be cowering in fear." He strode on, but as the minutes passed, he grew more and more frustrated. Why was there no one to greet him? At least an emissary of some sort for him to ridicule? Then his mouth turned upward in a travesty of a smile. Standing on a street corner was a young human – a female, from what the data information had told him. Hardly a challenge, but it would have to do.

He slowly approached, not wishing to make a sound. The advantage of surprise was vital – followed by a lingering death, of course. The female didn't seem to notice him, so involved was she in some business or other. It was almost too easy, Commander Urgh noted.

At the last minute she turned. "Oh, hello," she said, smiling. "Sorry if I'm taking too long."

The friendly greeting had thrown Urgh. Surely this female should have been begging for her life by now. Instead she was apologising for… what was she apologising for? "Oh, at last!" she said, taking a sheaf of small papers from a machine set into a wall. "I thought for a minute I'd have to go inside and complain."

"Complain about what?" Urgh asked, before he could stop himself.

"Oh, the usual," the female replied. "This machine plays up sometimes, so I don't always get my dosh."

"Dosh?"

"Dough, you know – spondoolicks, cash. Money."

Urgh nodded his understanding, referring to his own currency. "Krakkarz."

"Yeah, life can be a bit like that at times," she said, putting the notes into her pocket. She looked at him. "I like the costume by the way. Where's the party?"

So that was it – the female saw his armoured form as some kind of disguise. Well, it wouldn't hurt to humour her – for a while. "You like the… costume?"

"Oh, yeah. Still, it must get a bit hot under all that fur stuff. Anyway," she said, stepping aside, "Don't let me keep you from getting your money."

Urgh stared at the machine in some puzzlement. "What is this?"

"A cash machine," she told him. " A hole in the wall."

The phrase meant nothing to him. "You obtain credits from a hole in a wall?"

She nodded. "Credit, cash, Bank statements, the lot – s'cuse me for saying, but you don't sound as if you're from around here."

Urgh could feel the female's eyes on him, and was uncomfortable under her gaze. "I have been… travelling," he said. "Travelling for a long time."

"Oh, I get it," she said. "Out of touch with the city and civilisation for a couple of years, eh? Never mind, you'll soon get the hang of things. Hey, d'you fancy a burger?"

Urgh drew himself up to his full height, towering over the female. "My mating rituals are not a matter for discussion."

She looked at him oddly. "A burger – something to eat?"

"Ah yes," he said quickly, not wishing to blow his cover. "I… would very much like a… burger."

It had been one time span, and the Lieutenant was getting worried. For all his faults, the Commander was a stickler for punctuality, and should have returned to the shuttle some time ago. A simple reconnaissance shouldn't take this long.

So it was with some relief that he saw the Commander's familiar bulk appear from the entrance to the building site. But relief turned to concern. The Commander appeared to be – there was no other word for it – drunk. Ignoring protocol, the Lieutenant hurried toward the Commander, whose legs were barely moving in a straight line, and wore a stupefied grin on his face. "Commander, what has happened?"

"Nothing," Urgh replied, only slightly slurring his words. "I established contact with a human female, and was introduced to this planet's leader."

The Lieutenant was doubtful. "And?"

"Their President is a grand leader," Urgh continued. "He is recognised all over this planet." He draped an arm across the Lieutenant's shoulder. "You would like him."

"Commander," the Lieutenant reminded him. "We came here to take this world. Our information…"

"Was wrong and out of date." Urgh struggled to remain upright, but fell into the Lieutenant's grasp. "There is much that the Svankarr Empire has to learn about this world. Far from… far from being a backwater, Earth has much to recommend it. As such, it demands our respect, Lieutenant – hic!"

The Lieutenant could remain silent no longer. "Commander Urgh, you are drunk!"

Urgh waggled a disapproving finger. "No-no-no. I am as sober as a Skeet." The two of them were now passing through the hatchway into the shuttle. "You should be careful what you say, Lieutenant," Urgh warned. "Any further insubordination, and I will have no alternative but to… to smack your bottom!" And amazingly, Urgh began to laugh.

As the hatch closed behind them, the Lieutenant was sure of one thing. If these Earth people could render a Commander of the Svankarr Fleet insensible, then it was not worth the trouble of despatching an invasion force which evidently had no chance of success.

He just wondered how he was going to explain the Commander's inebriated condition in his report.

Inside the fast food restaurant, she was munching on some fries, while her friend sat opposite her, smiling. "Well done," he approved.

"You were right about the Svankarr's biological make-up, Professor," she said. "A mixture of a burger, fries and a fizzy drink really did his head in." She laughed. "Even so, I did think you were a bit over the top – Mr President."

"Ye-es," the Doctor replied. "Though you played your own part to perfection, Ace. That was the key, to confuse him from the start." He shook his head in wonder. "It's surprising how few alien species have heard of cash machines."

The two friends grinned, as they resumed their meal. Another alien invasion had been averted, and all was right with the world.


End file.
